"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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