i just sent this text using only my big toe
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
