and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
