I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
