He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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