You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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