The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
