He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
