If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
