I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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