do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
