I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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