you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
