I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
