it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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