There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You are a genius and a whore.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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