I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He has the fingertips of a God
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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