the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
