dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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