bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
