did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
