Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
