Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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