Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
