I think I won the penis lottery.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
