Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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