remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
