HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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