i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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