After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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