He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
