I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
