I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
