just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
