onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
