I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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