omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
