I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
