The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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