This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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