dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
