So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
