So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's rum buckets o'clock
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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