Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
