Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
