i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
