My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
