Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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