That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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