You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
