o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
