Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
And then he peed in my hair
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
