I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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