i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
