cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
soo... how was my night?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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