Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
