so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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