All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's never too late to be topless.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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