Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
